Excerpt from
Romancing the Shadow

Romancing the Shadow: Abusers, Abandoners, Addicts, Critics, Thieves

Typically, the meeting with the shadow occurs in small ways quite often, even several times a day. When we feel humiliated by an unacceptable aspect of ourselves — the addict, the critic, the thief, the distancer — we meet an interior saboteur, a shadow quality. When we walk into a party and feel an immediate dislike of a stranger ("He's so stupid," "She's so fat," "He's so arrogant," "She's so seductive"), we meet a projected shadow quality. At these times we may feel as if our conscious intentions are crossed by unknown, unconscious opponents.

Because by definition the shadow is unconscious, we cannot gaze at it directly. Because it is hidden, we need to learn to seek it. And to do so, we need to know where to look:

• The shadow hides in our secret shames. To uncover the feelings of shame is to discover an arrow pointing straight toward shadow material, toward sexual taboos, bodily defects, emotional regrets — perhaps toward that which we would not dare to do but would secretly love to do. When shameful feelings are tucked away from those we love or even from ourselves, the shadow remains in the dark, out of sight of loving eyes and therefore unavailable for healing. What private thoughts or feelings most embarrass you? What trait do you wish to be rid of? In what ways do you feel unacceptable, dirty, or shamefully different?
  
  
• The shadow disguises itself in our projections, when we react intensely to a trait in others that we fail to see in ourselves. If we feel disgusted ("Gee, she turns my stomach!"), incredulous ("I can't believe he would actually do that!"), or embarrassed ("That makes me really uncomfortable") by another's trait or behavior, and our response is exaggerated, then we may be seeing an aspect of our own shadow indirectly, out there where it's safer to observe it. We project by attributing this quality to the other person in an unconscious effort to banish it from ourselves. Whom do you hate or judge the most? What group of people most repulses or terrifies you? What is it that you cannot stand in a friend or family member?
  
  
• The shadow lurks in our addictions. When we are in the grasp of compulsive behaviors, we aim, even unknowingly, to deaden shadowy feelings and to fill an invisible emptiness. Whether through alcohol, drugs, sex, work, or food, we disguise our deeper needs by creating the symptom of addiction and becoming deaf to the call of the Self. What do you crave most deeply? What desires do you attempt to control or limit when you succumb to the addiction?
  
  
• The shadow blurts out in slips of the tongue. When, like the archetypal Fool, we make embarrassing misstatements, the shadow slides past the gates of consciousness momentarily and reveals unintentional feelings or thoughts, such as sexual innuendo, sarcasm, or cruelty. Caught with our masks down, we smile in embarrassment. For instance, in describing a gift of cuff links from a father-in-law, which previously had belonged to the donor's own father, a client said, "I just can't believe he gave me those handcuffs." Unknowingly, the client revealed that he felt trapped too quickly in this man's line of descent and resented such a presumption of intimacy. What do you secretly wish you could say but believe that you cannot?
  
  
• The shadow erupts in humor, especially cruel jokes at another's expense and slapstick antics. We howl at off-color remarks and laugh at the clumsiness of others, then shake our heads in wonder at our own responses, as if taken over momentarily by a surprisingly cold or cruel inner character. When have you been surprised or ashamed by your reaction to another's demise?
  
  
• The shadow wears the camouflage of physical symptoms. We may lie, but the body does not. We may forget an abuse, but the body does not. Like shock absorbers, our bodies absorb the wear and tear of emotional experience. We may defend against it, but our bodies take the heat. And slowly, over years, the patterns of stress and trauma accumulate. Inevitably, if we do not become conscious of the shadows lodged in our muscles and cells, they begin to tell their tales. What is your body trying to say? If your cells could speak, what secrets would they reveal? What betrayals?
  
  
• The shadow rears its head at midlife. During that time, we do not need to go in search of the shadow; it comes to find us. Whereas the tasks of the first half of life typically involve creating stability in love and work, the tasks of the second half involve creating consciousness of that which has been neglected and ignored. Thus a midlife crisis often feels like the notorious dark night of the soul. Frequently, the result may mean instability in love and work, the feeling of running out of gas, the urge to flee for the unlived life. We suggest that the first half of life is for developing the shadow, while the second half is for romancing the shadow. What god or goddess is summoning you to a new life? In what ways do you yearn for a change? Where is the Trickster turning your established values and customary habits upside down? When you are eighty years old, what will you regret having done or not done?
  
  
• The shadow dances through our dreams. Perhaps the most eloquent voice of the unconscious, our dreams can reveal unknown feelings and unseen attitudes that cannot be discovered in any other way. Thus, in a dream, a shadow character may enact forbidden wishes as a sadistic figure or break strong taboos as a criminal, which the dreamer could not uncover in conscious waking life. Who appears in your dreams to contradict your waking self-image? What do these characters do and what do they need?
  
  
• The shadow reveals its gold in creative works, which build bridges between the conscious and unconscious worlds. The arts have the power to loosen the tight grasp of the conscious mind, permitting unknown moods and images to arise. Writers and artists alike have helped to lift the veil and allow others a glimpse of the infinite riches of the shadow realm.

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